Beer and Holidays

Christmas has come and gone, thank God. Now we can look forward to that one night of pure alcohol abuse, New Years Eve. There are a million articles out this month addressing the typical concerns: overindulgence, drinking and driving, and showing your ass at office and family functions. I’m not going to tell you about any of these, simply because you don’t need anyone to tell you not to overindulge, don’t drink and drive, or show your ass which can lead to divorce or unemployment, do you? No, you don’t. You’re getting enough of that now, so you won’t be hearing it from me. What you will hear is the following:

Drink better, not more. Any moron can pound down cheap beer to get a buzz (and a horrifying, room-spinning hangover the next morning) but it takes a little bit of brains to realize that better beer, in reasonable quantities, is far better for you.  Break out that bottle you’ve saved for a special occasion. Try some winter warmers, or vertical beers from breweries. Tis the season to be jolly, and these will get you there without turning you into an unemployed loser.

Don’t drive. Notice I didn’t say don’t drink and drive. That’s somewhat obvious, so just don’t drive. Ask your significant other, or carpool with somebody who isn’t going to get pounded. Or better yet, stay over wherever the party is (invited, of course). Your drinking has nothing to do with it. There are just too many idiots on the roads on holidays. They’re like lemmings, except they’re driving multi-ton vehicles that will squash and kill you. Your odds of getting in a wreck go through the roof, regardless of how much or how little you drink. Your odds of causing a wreck do go up when drinking, duh. So don’t drive.

Introduce a good beer to a good friend. In the spirit of giving, the gift of knowledge (plus alcohol) is always appreciated. Bring a couple of bottles of your favorite craft beverages and share them with a friend. Make time to visit a local taphouse and introduce them to the wide world of beer.

Have a safe and delicious holiday.

Through a Beer, Darkly

We all have our Yuletide celebrations and Hans Magen Olsen is no exception. He recently hoisted a glass of beer he’d made himself and toasted the winter solstice in complete darkness. Hans is the owner and brewer at Nordkapp Bryggerie, the world’s northernmost brewpub. Located 1,311 miles from the North Pole, it’s your last chance to get beer before you hit Santa’s house.

This act of drinking in the dark is actually a very old Norweigan custom called Juløl . From the article at Philly.com:

Juløl (Jul = winter feast, øl = beer) is the world’s original Christmas beer. It has been brewed in Norway since well before the birth of Christ, when tribal sects celebrated the solstice with feasts in honor of Odin and Thor.

To these early dwellers, the longest night of the year marked the rebirth of the sun and the earth. It was a sign that the days would begin to lengthen and that the earth would once again be fertile with life.

With the autumn crops harvested, the animals slaughtered and the beer fully fermented, villages came together for days of feasting. “It was a time to fill your batteries for the harsh winter ahead,” said Tobjørn Skovold, spokesman for the Aass brewery in Drammen, just south of Oslo.

The event and its beer became so institutionalized that by 800 A.D., Norwegian farmers were required by law to brew juløl. “You had to make a beer with as much grain as the combined weight of the farm’s husband and wife,” Skovold said. “And it had to be strong beer. If it wasn’t, it was considered dishonorable and your farm would have a spell cast on it.”

Worse, if the farmer failed to make juløl in three consecutive years, Skovold said, his property could be seized, and he would be expelled from the country.

Juløl survived Norway’s conversion to Christianity, as the solstice festival became a Christmas celebration. To this day, families and some traditional farms home-brew juløl with sugar, baking yeast and spruce.

Some observations about this: I don’t know if I could drink beer from the Aass brewery. Is there slogan possibly “this beer tastes like ass?” But I do applaud the idea of kicking out farmers who didn’t make beer. Get rid of those non-festive bastards who spread negative vibes.  Any country who passes a law that you have to make and drink beer can’t be all bad.

Happy Holidays to all and have a beer on me. Read more at Philly.com.

The Tree of Beer, er… Life

If you’ve ever been to Disneyworld, you’ve probably been to the Animal Kingdom resort which has a huge tree in the center of the park. The Tree of Life contains a theater that shows a 3d movie to entertain and delight you and the kids. There in no Disneyworld in South Africa, but they do have a giant tree that contains something else to entertain and delight you… a bar!
In Limpopo, South Africa stands a 72-foot tall Baobab tree that has a naturally occurring hollow center. Heather van Heerden, owner of Sunland Farms where the tree stands, hated to see the space go to waste and built a bar inside it.
Imagine getting your beer on inside a 155-foot diameter tree. Legend says that if a baby drinks a mixture of the Baobab bark and water, it will grow up healthy and strong. If you drink a beer inside the Baobab tree, you’ll think you’re healthy and strong. And drunk, eventually. The tree is estimated to be over 6,000 years old. The boiled eggs served in the bar may be that old as well.
Enjoy the pictures and words at the Daily Mail.

Beer is good for you, as if you didn’t know that

The latest “news” that beer is good for you has been revealed once again, just in case you’d forgotten. In an article earlier this week, University of Wisconsin researchers have proved that dark beer, not lagers, have a proven effect on reduction of blood clots. In dogs. For some reason this is being treated as news. Every six months or so, someone discovers this and puts out the semi-serious news that beer is “good for my heart”, justifying our drinking habits. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Beer, as well as tea, and a billion other fruit and vegetables, contain flavonoids. The beer flavonoids, known as Xanthohumol (a prenylated chalcone), help reduce LDL, the bad cholesterol, and free radicals. Okay, that’s a good thing. But it’s old news. Here’s the current article from the Ireland Independent, stating that dark beer, such as Guinness, is good for you! And here is another article from Science News that says the same thing. The difference between the two? The Science News article is eleven years old.

And what’s the deal with the same players being mentioned every time? The beer that always does the most good? Guinness. And the researchers? University of Wisconsin.  Coincidence? I don’t think so. Personally I believe it’s an elaborate hoax concocted by scientists at U of W to get free Guinness for the last eleven years. Which I find extremely cool and applaud them for the scam. Go Badgers!

And here’s another thing that bothers me. The researchers always compare Guiness to domestic lagers and conclude that “dark” beers are better. This is totally erroneous. American mass-produced lagers are run through sterile filters to decrease alcohol content and calories, and consequently dilute flavor and content. The flavonoids that occur in beer come from hops, not malt. The color of the beer is somewhat irrelevant. I would challenge the good doctors at U of W, or the ones getting rats drunk at U of Oregon, to do a comparison of flavonoid levels in a Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA with Guiness. I believe a good old-fashioned American ass kicking would occur. If hops contain the flavonoids, American beer will rule.

And what’s the deal with getting rats and dogs snockered? When there are probably a lot of volunteers who’d be willing to take a pint or two for the team? It’s not like you’re jacking them up with chemicals. I’ll sign up for my town. We could get thousands of people to volunteer.

Here’s the reality: beer, wine, tea or whatever you choose to consume may or may not help your heart, but it will do very, very little if you sit on your butt and swill liquids. Diet, exercise and genetics determine your health. Beer just makes your life better

Beer and Violence

Despite the season, it seems that the pinheads of the world are ganging up to give beer, and beer drinkers, a bad name. Again. It’s bad enough that beer is considered a “blue collar” or “common” drink by people who don’t know craft beer from hamster piss, but it’s another thing when we see story after story of idiots committing crimes to get themselves a beer. And not even a good one at that. Consider the following stories:

In Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, two teenagers attacked a delivery guy dropping off beer at a home. They threatened him with a hockey stick and what appeared to be a gun. The delivery man turned over the beer and the cash. The homeowner had not ordered any beer. Now, I’m not a cop (although I play one on TV) but it doesn’t take a giant leap of logic to determine that these kids called in the order. And odds are the little turds live in the neighborhood. Let the search and eventual beatings begin. Full story here.

Here at home, in Bakersfield, CA, two Hispanic men looking for beer attempted to steal it from a Fastrip convenience store. A scuffle ensued, a knife was shown, and the two men got away, hopping into a waiting car down the street. A tow truck driver observed all of this, and followed the beer bandits home, and contacted the police. The cops show up and order everyone out of the house, placing the men under arrest. Then, for whatever reason, they let a K-9 dog loose in the house. A 14-year-old kid, who had nothing to do with the robbery, was hiding in the house and was promptly bit in the face. Read the report and comments here.

 In Buffalo, NY, yet another convenience store clerk was attacked by a man stealing a beer. Not a six-pack, just one beer. The clerk attempted to stop the man, who cut the clerk on the arm. The thief jumped into a waiting car driven by a woman (his ho, I’ll bet) and fled the scene. More here.

So what the hell is going on? Is there some ebola-like outbreak of stupidity in this country? Let me break it down for all beer thiefs and clerks everywhere:

Clerks: Don’t ever stop anyone from stealing convenience store beer. The best stuff in the place is crap, and you won’t be out of a job. And if you are, good riddance to the ungrateful bastards.

Beer thiefs: if you’re going to steal (and eventually get caught), at least steal something worthwhile. There is nothing in convenience stores you want or need bad enough to steal. Especially beer. But you’re all morons and don’t read blogs so this is pointless.

Merry Christmas, you poster children for abortion. Thanks for helping beer keep it’s good name.

Beer brings the world together

Call it a Christmas Miracle, or just plain common sense, but beer has done what no world leaders have been able to do – bring together hostile countries in pursuit of a common goal, a good beer buzz.

German brewers, in an effort to boost flagging sales, have turned to new brewing methods and products to woo former adversaries. Simcha, a 4.9% alcohol white pilsoner from Hartmannsdorf, Germany, is a kosher beer brewed under a rabbi’s supervision. Per Hassidic law, the grains must not have been grown during Passover, pregnant or menstruating women may not be involved in production, and the bottling, piping, and manufacturing follow a strict cleanliness policy. All of this comes at a price, with Simcha costing up to 80% more than similar beers. The kosher beer is distributed primarily to restaurants in Germany, but orders are coming in from Vienna, Belgium and Britian with negotians under way for placement in Israeli hotels.

Granmalt, a soft-drink company founded last year in Germany, has begun producing an alcohol-free, granulated powder that, when mixed with water or (yuck) milk, becomes instant beer. Who would want something like this? Apparently the Muslim market, whose religion forbids alcohol. Makes you wonder why they would want something that tastes like alcohol…

The verdict is out on whether instant beer will be a success, but in the meantime Granmalt has won Germany’s Entrepreneur Prize.

Puzzle this one out at APF news.

The Next Beer Olympics Champion

Bobby Joe Vasquez is working on his spot in the next Beer Olympics. Bobby was out for a warmup stagger Monday night, including pounding down some “free” beers, when the popo stopped to speak with him. Vasquez immediately went into sprint mode when the cops noticed he was intoxicated and he ran from the police, always a stupid thing to do.

The officers gave pursuit, and Vasquez, in true drunk Olympian form, fell down, in front of the 7-Eleven on Alameda. Things then took a turn for the karmic, when the clerk at the 7-Eleven noticed the commotion and recognized Vasquez as the guy who had stolen the very beer he’d consumed from the store earlier that night.

Police arrested Vasquez on multiple accounts of Theft under $50, Failure to Identify, Evading Arrest, and a few outstanding traffic warrants.

Vasquez should also have been charged with gross stupidity, but unfortunately that isn’t a crime in El Paso. I did a little digging into this story and the following facts emerge:

Bobby ran from the 100 block of Buena Vista to the 5600 block of Alameda, which sounds like a long distance. It isn’t. It’s around a corner, 13 feet to be precise, according to this Google Map. In fact, it’s the 7-Eleven parking lot.

Which leads to observation number two, why in the hell would you hang out and drink your stolen beer in the parking lot of the very store you robbed? Are you truly that stupid? Indeed you must be.

And finally, what’s this about the police giving pursuit? It was 13 feet! I can fall down farther than that. It’s technically 3-4 strides for an average sized man. Or maybe they cut across the parking lot, which would only have been about 6 feet, given the corner and all. Hopefully the police weren’t too winded by the chase.

Read about it in the El Paso Times…

Kids plus Beer equal really, really bad news

We joke around about beers and kids on beer blogs and podcasts, and the last post was about how Harriett Easton, a young beer entrepreneur must have started drinking as early as 5. But alcohol and children is no laughing matter. As it turns out, the alcohol abuse situation has gotten quite grim in Australia. The Australian National Council on Drugs found that 230,000 children have a parent or caregiver who drinks excessively, and 10 Australians a day die as a result of alcohol excess. This epidemic, referred to as “Social Suicide” is most prevalent among Black Australians, and a recent report shows that an Aborigine dies every 38 hours from alcohol abuse.

Children are profoundly affected by this epidemic, both as victims of parents who abuse alcohol, and as alcoholics themselves. Girls as young as 11 will prostitute themselves for a couple of cans of beer, says Father Chris Riley of the Sydney Odyssey House, a drug and alcohol abuse treatment facility. The prevalence of alcohol abuse among Australian children is on the rise according to an ABC radio interview with Father Riley:

 ”In some of the communities we’re working in at 9.30 in the morning, 12- (and) 13-year-olds have bottles of Jack Daniels in their hands, and it is just shocking the way these things are available to kids,” Father Riley said on ABC radio.

“In one of our communities we work in, a group of girls aged between 11 and 16 go down to the bars and clubs at 1am, because that is when they will close, and will prostitute themselves simply for a can or two of beer.

“This is common throughout the communities we’re working in.”

The factors that cause the abuse in children are still becoming clear, but ease of access to alcohol, unclear warning labels, and the sweet alcopop drinks favored by children. Professor Ross Young of Queensland Univerity’s Institute of Health and Biomedical Innovation (IHBI) said National Household Drug Surveys indicated a doubling of the number of 14-19 years olds drinking on a daily basis between 2001 and 2004.

More information on the alcohol abuse situation in Australia can be found at Science Alert, the Herald Sun, and BBC News.

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Chick beer, round two

People who appreciate a good beer often refer to light, fruity beers as “chick beers”, i.e. something the fairer sex might enjoy, even though us manly men enjoy them, too. Tomorrow marks a new spin on the term “chick beer” when 19 year old English entrepreneur Harriet Easton launches Harry’s Beer at a bar in Shrewsbury. This beer, concocted by Harriet and brewed by Hanby Ales of Wen, is described as light with a touch of orange. Alrighty, then.

A few things jumped out at me on this story: her age, the cost of this startup venture, and the media tie in to the “crisis” of drinking in the UK.  First, she’s 19 year olds. From the media reports, she’s been working on this for 18 months. Which means she was 16 1/2 when she started? This seemed a bit off, so I looked into drinking age in the UK. Apparently it’s against the law to give alcohol to a child under 5. But if you’re over 5 it is legal and accepted to give your kid a cocktail in your own home. Children under 16 are allowed to drink, but not purchase, alcohol bought by a parent or guardian. Once you hit 16 you can buy beer with a meal, and when you’re 18 off you go. So Harriet could have been drinking for years. I’ll go along with that for a minute.

Now she hits on the idea, at age 16 1/2, that she could do better than the beers for “the blokes” and apparently suckers a friend of the family into loaning her £35,000, or roughly $71,000 US and it takes her a year and a half to come up with an orange-flavored 4.8% beer.  It’s amazing what one can do with money.

Finally, the Guardian Unlimited runs an article tying this beer to the decline in pub beer sales in the UK, the lowest they’ve been in 70 years. You are left to connect the dots and figure out Harry’s beer will save the day by getting the girls into the pubs.  So forget about the smoking ban, the rise of at-home drinking, and other trivial matters that affect pub sales. Let’s just relax and let the kids save the pubs.

Read more about this at Brookston Beer Bulletin and the Guardian.